work at home, women in business, resources for small business

My Husband Doesn’t Support Me

husband and wifeI hear it all the time:   “What if my husband doesn’t support me in…”  “What if my husband doesn’t want me to…quit my job, start a home business, go back to work, homeschool the children, become Vegan?”

Men are from Mars and women are from Venus and sometimes our perspective on life can be just that opposite. This is very frustrating when married.  God played a wonderfully, cruel joke on us-males and females. We can’t live without each other. We’re naturally drawn to the opposite sex (most of us).  We’re compelled to get married (some of us) and yet we’re so totally opposite that we forget that we’re to be complimentary. If either gender gets bogged down in his or her beliefs we bring frustration and devastation to the relationship.

Of course we should always talk out and talk through our opposing viewpoints. We should always be willing to listen to the other side. We should come to some sort of win-win solution.  But that doesn’t always work. What should you do if your husband doesn’t support you?

If you’ve been married a number of years and your spouse’s (husband or wife) decision making abilities are marred by pride, selfishness, fear, jealously, anger  lack of common sense or sheer stupidity then you are right in making a decision that goes against your spouse’s decision.

That’s right I said it! Some husbands are immature.  Some are irresponsible. Some are just plain lazy.  Some can’t make a loving decision that honors the family because they are to caught up in their own issues. If your husband’s issues have consistently controlled his behaviors, judgments and decision making abilities, for a good number  of years, and he’s not dealing with them or trying to get help, then YOU are sanctioned to make decisions that will advance the unity, health, and stability of the family.

There are some caveats to making decisions when your husband doesn’t support you:

  • The decision should always be to “advance the UNITY, HEALTH and STABILITY of the family”. This is not about YOU getting what you want. There are some selfish, immature, manipulative, stupid wives out there. If you are one of them (be honest with yourself) then you DO NOT have the right to make the decisions for your family.
  • You should seek a multitude of counsel. You should NOT gather your bff’s, your momma and your ex-boyfriend to get their opinions.  If you’re at a cross-road and you’re going to go against the decision of your husband you need to have objective, unbiased opinions.  A Clergyman/woman, a professional counselor, an experienced, wise person AND an older, wise, spiritual person. All four plus anybody in your circle that you know will be honest and upfront with you.
  • Always, Always ALWAYS seek an answer from Spirit. Use prayer, meditation and fasting to guide you. The decisions that we make as parents aren’t just about us.  They literally control the destiny of the children.  There’s nothing worse than to see a husband and wife locked in a stalemate and the children getting beat “upside the head” with the consequences.  Be guided by the Spirit of God.
  • Your stance is only allowed after seeing your husband’s pattern of behavior for a number of years. You can not go into a marriage taking over, bossing him around, and dominating because YOU think HE is stupid. He shouldn’t do that to you and you definitely shouldn’t do that to him. Men need time to mature. And they need their ego stroked as they mature.  As women we have the power to do this delicately and lovingly. The fearful woman who does not understand her power becomes overly aggressive.  Give him his time.  How much time? I don’t know. This is where you will have to use your female intuition and seek counsel.

When you need to do something that your husband doesn’t support, you can be respectful knowing that you have sought counsel from wise, spiritual leaders. You have sought counsel from The Great Spirit and God of All.  You have always been deferential toward his role as the man. And now you must go forward for the unity, health and stability of the family.


I would love to hear your experience and/or thoughts.

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To Our Mutual Success, Lady T



12 Comments
  • Jane
    September 11, 2017 at 4:24 am
    Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    I am not married. For the past three years, I have saved so, so, so hard for my Masters degree, while supporting my immediate family. I started seeing my boyfriend this year and I earn much more than he. Because of him, I decided that rather than travel abroad for my masters degree, I would have same online and that way, we won’t be apart.

    Yesterday, we had a big fight. Although he knows how much I really want to advance my career, he said to use most of the money I have saved for “our wedding project next year” and then invest the rest in real estate. He always accuses me of being over-ambitious.

    I feel lost, confused and very sad.

    Reply
  • Patty T
    July 20, 2017 at 1:31 am
    Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    I have been married for 11 years now . I have been the bread winner for about 7years now since my husband was deported I have stood by his side through it all. Since his deportation I have went to great lengths to make this work for me and our 3 kids. It has been very hard and very stressful for me. I’ve stopped my ambition to cont’d my education for the sake of keeping my family together. But I recently came to a cross roads when I hit my 30s and I decided to go back to school. Which for him was okay but he felt forgotten since I have not seen him for weeks at times. Most of the time I am under great pressure being a single mom in the US, fulltime job , and part time student . I recently came to realize this summer ( when we were staying with him) that he does not make an effort to save money, he doesn’t make an effort to communicate properly. His train of thoughts are not where I want them to be. I sometimes feel alone in this relationship , I feel like I am raising 4 kids and feel no support of any kind. Just recently I have been asking him to not spurge in little things since I’m budgeting to save for a house and he has been doing the opposite. I have try communicating everything to him even how I feel and he has this blank face of your just dramatic. I have ask him to get a job and to support himself because I am going to school ,it doesn’t allow me to work as much. To this day he has not . And I have felt him more disrespectful . SOmetimes I just wanna give up and divorce him. I hopeless because I do not want to separate my family. but I don’t like the way I feel , I feel selfish making that decision because he is a great DAD to my kids.

    Reply
  • San P
    September 3, 2016 at 11:59 am

    hi I am a wife of 9 years and Jan, 2017 will make it 10. We have 4 kids. My husband has been the bread winner. I have worked off and on for a few years from home, but mostly a stay at home parent. I got tired of staying at home. I consulted my husband about working and possibly go back to school which those two things were one of my many dreams. He agreed to that would be a great idea. God gave me a vision to help him and I was acting on it to better the family and to help him with the finances since he was always the one having to pay all the bills. I hated to see my husband spend so much money and not have anything for himself. Well, alot changed. Now, he doesn’t support that. He’d rather me sit home and do nothing. I started school in Jan. of this year (2016) and he gave me a choice between losing my marriage or going to school to get a degree to help him. I also had a part time job as a home health aide to try and help with small bills. He said daycare was an issue. I didn’t understand that. He now has the older 3 in after school program and I have to fight to try and get someone to watch my younger child which is 1 years old.

    Not only that, he keeps in and out of the house and when things don’t go his way, he threatens to leave and never to return. When i go to seek help from others thats when he wants to return. I am emotional abused and mentally scarred. Am I wrong for wanting to pursue my dreams for the sake of the family? Would I be wrong if I wanted to depart from the marriage and live my life without fearing instability?

    Reply
    • Lady T
      September 25, 2016 at 10:34 pm

      No you are not wrong for wanting to pursue your dreams, yet timing is EVERYTHING. If your pursuit is stressful to you, him and the children (you’re trying to find somebody for the 1yo, paying for aftercare for the others, arguments between him and you) then maybe there’s a better time to pursue them. In the meantime, you don’t have to “sit home and do nothing”. Set yourself up for success! Like, make sure your children have the emotional stability they need so that when you do go to school they’re aren’t (subconsciously)fighting you (illnesses, whining, deviant behaviors etc). Get yourself ready for school by taking some classes online through Youtube. Learn how manage your time; learn to prepare bulk meals so that when you are in school you don’t have to worry about your children eating restaurant food. Make sure they are above avg students. Go ahead and work the part time job and save some money (don’t allow yourself to get use the lifestyle of 2 incomes if you don’t plan to continue it when you go to school). Build & work on your marriage because school AND children will take up a lot of your time. You want to make sure you have a solid foundation so that it will be able to stand when you are writing papers and disappearing for your hours of study and not there because of your classroom time. I would also say during this time, teach your children, the 1yo especially, how to sit still. There may be days you’ll have to take him to class with you or at the minimum, you’ll need him to quietly occupy himself when you are studying. Train him/her to read, draw, color, play legos or whatever so you don’t become reliant on computer games or tv. There’s PLENTY of work to do as you set yourself up to be successful so that you can pursue your goals with minimal distractions! Let me know what you think.

      Reply
  • Anonymous
    July 6, 2013 at 8:18 pm

    I am really sad today! I think I have realized after 8 years of marriage my husband just cannot be the “real man” I so earnestly desire him to be. Since we’ve been married our financial situation has been a literal JOKE! The most he ever made has been 38K per year, but of course he lost that job for several reasons, and now is back to the default of making a 12.00 per hour and working the front desk entry level job at a hotel. He’s 38 year’s old and we have 4 children. We often times don’t even have enough money to buy decent food and because of regular things that just happen in life, we had 200 for food for the entire last month. He is AWLAYS sick and “run down,” “stressed,” or just “sooo tired” after working his haaard job. We have sex maybe once every few months and it’s all about him. Actually, if it were up to him he admits he hates sex and could care less if we even slept in the same room. I had a business for 4 years that
    i was trying to build and he gave me an ultimatum that if I didn’t give it up he would divorce me because he “hated it so much” since I made messes in the kitchen and the fact it wasn’t clean the entire time (it was a food based business). I would clean up after preparing the items, but he can’t even stand for it to be messy WHILE I’m preparing stuff. I just feel helpless and hopeless at this point. Since giving up the business we literally have NOTHING and all I do is sit at home at our house out in the country and basically go nowhere since we don’t have the gas money or the spending money to do anything with my kids. I almost think I’d be better single some days. He’s a good man in so many ways, but he absolutely cannot provide, but doesn’t want me providing either?! I digress….

    Reply
  • khay
    January 7, 2012 at 12:58 am

    hi i am married to american man for 1 year.. we’ve been dating for almost 4 years then after marriage everything change.. he work in korea now he started to treat me like he’s single. i started to have my own job and started to have my own money. He started not to talk to me online, never call me, and stop sending me money, his reason is i need to build myself on my own. He always ignore when i start to ask whats his plan for us. It seems like he have plan on his own without me. I told him to have an annulment but he doesnt want since he know that marriage here in philippines doesnt acknowledge in other country. Before i caught him dating old korean woman and keeps lying to me.. i am hurting i give him space and time and seems he likes to be alone now what should I do?

    Reply
    • Lady T
      January 7, 2012 at 1:15 am

      I am sorry for your pain. It seems to me that you KNOW exactly where this relationship is going. Take his advice and “build yourself on your own”. He told you that with his words and he’s telling you that with his actions. I just whispered a prayer for your strength.

      Reply
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    May 5, 2010 at 4:21 am

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    Reply
  • Anonymous
    March 7, 2010 at 11:18 am

    I would need a lot of help on this subject, being indeed at a rather extreme end of this deal. My husband stopped working the day we got married 16 yrs ago and simply decided to live off my family money. At first, I did everything to keep the peace, basically raising the 3 kids myself and vowing one day to produce income again to save up for the kids futures and not let the savings run dry. I started to launch my own home business about 4 years ago, once the kids were a bit into the school routine, and have had nothing but bad comments from him ever since! That work is stupid, etc. Raising the kids, obtaining 6 certifications in 3 years, and having no support financially or emotionally or even looking at my website or an article written about my work in a local paper, etc has been really hard. Last summer I had to come to terms that the business was partly going so slow because I had too much negative energy pulling me down, too much ‘mommy stuff’ during their long vacations. The more I struggle with my business and don’t have good success, the more I hear the bad comments about ‘see it isn’t worth it, I told you’

    Things are better now, thanks to life coaching (!) and I have some new business developments that might save the business from going broke completely. I have been able to ‘section’ my life out a bit and draw my energy to and from where I want and need it to go. But it is hard to go out with a smile on my face day after day. The kids are old enough that they see plain as day what is happening and now, on top of it all, his alcohol consumption is way up and very obvious.

    And, the funny thing, Iam a very energetic, bubbly, well-educated and world traveled woman! The story above would be a surprise to most, indeed!

    What would you say?

    Reply
    • EJ
      March 21, 2010 at 6:03 am

      Anonymous…
      I also would say you are not alone!

      You can choose to live a life full of joy and happiness.. and deserve that, no matter what your husband is doing.

      Have you heard of Al Anon ? It is for anyone who is affected by somebody else’s drinking, whether they be a friend, boss, child, coworker, husband or wife, or parent.

      You can find the meeting list online if you google Al anon.

      You are amazing.. keeping your family together, and getting more eductation, running a biz, wow! Rock On!! Find those who support you and empower to you counterbalance the energy you get at home .. it will really help.

      Peace and light
      EJ

      Reply
      • Lady T
        March 21, 2010 at 4:36 pm

        AMEN Wholistic Mama! AMEN!

        Reply
    • Lady T
      March 7, 2010 at 4:31 pm

      I would say YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are sooooo many women in your situation and I’m glad you found a coach to help. It really does make a difference. Yes, the negative energy will pull you down. But having a coach, someone on the outside looking in, reminding of your priorities, holding you accountable for the goals that you’ve set for yourself and encouraging you alone the way is absolutely essential for your success.

      The kids are old enough to see. You are old enough to see. Now you have to keep moving. I always encourage my clients to use affirmations and when dealing with depression I advise St John’s Worts. In the mean time, keep “sectioning” your life, continue moving forward, and walk by faith.

      You sound like you’re on your way!

      Reply
  • Kim
    February 27, 2010 at 4:48 pm

    Please keep these post coming…food for the soul.
    .-= Kim´s last blog ..ready for Spring! Greenville, SC Children’s Photographer =-.

    Reply
  • Brenda C.
    February 27, 2010 at 4:23 pm

    This may seem naive, but I don’t agree with going against what the husband wants. I agree with prayer; God can change hearts and minds. Husbands need respect (Eph. 5:33) just like wives need love. God commands wives to submit to their husbands – not as a doormat, as some think. He also commands husbands to love their wives – and of course that love wouldn’t involve treating someone as less of a person.

    Going against the husband’s wishes shows a lack of respect. That’s bound to lead to marital problems – or increase the struggles one is already dealing with. That’s why I believe that if God is leading a woman to work from home or homeschool or anything that her husband is against, God will make a way. The Holy Spirit will move in that husband’s heart and bring him to the same conclusion that the wife has come to.

    Now let the debate begin! 😉
    .-= Brenda C.´s last blog ..#3 – February: Experiment with New Recipes =-.

    Reply

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