My Husband Doesn’t Support Me
by Lady T
Filed under Business Tip, Inspiration, marriage, Success mind, work from home
I hear it all the time: “What if my husband doesn’t support me in…” “What if my husband doesn’t want me to…quit my job, start a home business, go back to work, homeschool the children, become Vegan?”
Men are from Mars and women are from Venus and sometimes our perspective on life can be just that opposite. This is very frustrating when married. God played a wonderfully, cruel joke on us-males and females. We can’t live without each other. We’re naturally drawn to the opposite sex (most of us). We’re compelled to get married (some of us) and yet we’re so totally opposite that we forget that we’re to be complimentary. If either gender gets bogged down in his or her beliefs we bring frustration and devastation to the relationship.
Of course we should always talk out and talk through our opposing viewpoints. We should always be willing to listen to the other side. We should come to some sort of win-win solution. But that doesn’t always work. What should you do if your husband doesn’t support you?
If you’ve been married a number of years and your spouse’s (husband or wife) decision making abilities are marred by pride, selfishness, fear, jealously, anger lack of common sense or sheer stupidity then you are right in making a decision that goes against your spouse’s decision.
That’s right I said it! Some husbands are immature. Some are irresponsible. Some are just plain lazy. Some can’t make a loving decision that honors the family because they are to caught up in their own issues. If your husband’s issues have consistently controlled his behaviors, judgments and decision making abilities, for a good number of years, and he’s not dealing with them or trying to get help, then YOU are sanctioned to make decisions that will advance the unity, health, and stability of the family.
There are some caveats to making decisions when your husband doesn’t support you:
- The decision should always be to “advance the UNITY, HEALTH and STABILITY of the family”. This is not about YOU getting what you want. There are some selfish, immature, manipulative, stupid wives out there. If you are one of them (be honest with yourself) then you DO NOT have the right to make the decisions for your family.
- You should seek a multitude of counsel. You should NOT gather your bff’s, your momma and your ex-boyfriend to get their opinions. If you’re at a cross-road and you’re going to go against the decision of your husband you need to have objective, unbiased opinions. A Clergyman/woman, a professional counselor, an experienced, wise person AND an older, wise, spiritual person. All four plus anybody in your circle that you know will be honest and upfront with you.
- Always, Always ALWAYS seek an answer from Spirit. Use prayer, meditation and fasting to guide you. The decisions that we make as parents aren’t just about us. They literally control the destiny of the children. There’s nothing worse than to see a husband and wife locked in a stalemate and the children getting beat “upside the head” with the consequences. Be guided by the Spirit of God.
- Your stance is only allowed after seeing your husband’s pattern of behavior for a number of years. You can not go into a marriage taking over, bossing him around, and dominating because YOU think HE is stupid. He shouldn’t do that to you and you definitely shouldn’t do that to him. Men need time to mature. And they need their ego stroked as they mature. As women we have the power to do this delicately and lovingly. The fearful woman who does not understand her power becomes overly aggressive. Give him his time. How much time? I don’t know. This is where you will have to use your female intuition and seek counsel.
When you need to do something that your husband doesn’t support, you can be respectful knowing that you have sought counsel from wise, spiritual leaders. You have sought counsel from The Great Spirit and God of All. You have always been deferential toward his role as the man. And now you must go forward for the unity, health and stability of the family.
I would love to hear your experience and/or thoughts.
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This may seem naive, but I don’t agree with going against what the husband wants. I agree with prayer; God can change hearts and minds. Husbands need respect (Eph. 5:33) just like wives need love. God commands wives to submit to their husbands – not as a doormat, as some think. He also commands husbands to love their wives – and of course that love wouldn’t involve treating someone as less of a person.
Going against the husband’s wishes shows a lack of respect. That’s bound to lead to marital problems – or increase the struggles one is already dealing with. That’s why I believe that if God is leading a woman to work from home or homeschool or anything that her husband is against, God will make a way. The Holy Spirit will move in that husband’s heart and bring him to the same conclusion that the wife has come to.
Now let the debate begin!
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I would need a lot of help on this subject, being indeed at a rather extreme end of this deal. My husband stopped working the day we got married 16 yrs ago and simply decided to live off my family money. At first, I did everything to keep the peace, basically raising the 3 kids myself and vowing one day to produce income again to save up for the kids futures and not let the savings run dry. I started to launch my own home business about 4 years ago, once the kids were a bit into the school routine, and have had nothing but bad comments from him ever since! That work is stupid, etc. Raising the kids, obtaining 6 certifications in 3 years, and having no support financially or emotionally or even looking at my website or an article written about my work in a local paper, etc has been really hard. Last summer I had to come to terms that the business was partly going so slow because I had too much negative energy pulling me down, too much ‘mommy stuff’ during their long vacations. The more I struggle with my business and don’t have good success, the more I hear the bad comments about ‘see it isn’t worth it, I told you’
Things are better now, thanks to life coaching (!) and I have some new business developments that might save the business from going broke completely. I have been able to ‘section’ my life out a bit and draw my energy to and from where I want and need it to go. But it is hard to go out with a smile on my face day after day. The kids are old enough that they see plain as day what is happening and now, on top of it all, his alcohol consumption is way up and very obvious.
And, the funny thing, Iam a very energetic, bubbly, well-educated and world traveled woman! The story above would be a surprise to most, indeed!
What would you say?
I would say YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are sooooo many women in your situation and I’m glad you found a coach to help. It really does make a difference. Yes, the negative energy will pull you down. But having a coach, someone on the outside looking in, reminding of your priorities, holding you accountable for the goals that you’ve set for yourself and encouraging you alone the way is absolutely essential for your success.
The kids are old enough to see. You are old enough to see. Now you have to keep moving. I always encourage my clients to use affirmations and when dealing with depression I advise St John’s Worts. In the mean time, keep “sectioning” your life, continue moving forward, and walk by faith.
You sound like you’re on your way!
Anonymous…
I also would say you are not alone!
You can choose to live a life full of joy and happiness.. and deserve that, no matter what your husband is doing.
Have you heard of Al Anon ? It is for anyone who is affected by somebody else’s drinking, whether they be a friend, boss, child, coworker, husband or wife, or parent.
You can find the meeting list online if you google Al anon.
You are amazing.. keeping your family together, and getting more eductation, running a biz, wow! Rock On!! Find those who support you and empower to you counterbalance the energy you get at home .. it will really help.
Peace and light
EJ
AMEN Wholistic Mama! AMEN!
Valuable info. Lucky me I found your site by accident, I bookmarked it.
hi i am married to american man for 1 year.. we’ve been dating for almost 4 years then after marriage everything change.. he work in korea now he started to treat me like he’s single. i started to have my own job and started to have my own money. He started not to talk to me online, never call me, and stop sending me money, his reason is i need to build myself on my own. He always ignore when i start to ask whats his plan for us. It seems like he have plan on his own without me. I told him to have an annulment but he doesnt want since he know that marriage here in philippines doesnt acknowledge in other country. Before i caught him dating old korean woman and keeps lying to me.. i am hurting i give him space and time and seems he likes to be alone now what should I do?
I am sorry for your pain. It seems to me that you KNOW exactly where this relationship is going. Take his advice and “build yourself on your own”. He told you that with his words and he’s telling you that with his actions. I just whispered a prayer for your strength.