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10 Top Momisms Uttered in My House

Lady T

Remember before you had children you SWORE that you wouldn’t be like your parents; and then you had your own and realized that your parents were smarter than you thought?

I said,

“I’ll never wake my children on Saturday mornings to clean the walls.”

But their dirty little handprints are ever-present! Somebody has to clean them.

I said,

“I’ll never lie to my children about Santa Clause.”

But I discovered they want to believe there’s a Santa.

Once I was explaining to my first born (again) the story of the legendary Santa and at the age of 7 he fluently interrupted my history lesson with a frustrated and tearful, “I know there’s no Santa but there REALLY is a Santa!” From that point on it’s Santa who comes to our house to drop toys-after we pay him money, “cuz he don’t do nothing for free honey!”

I also said I wouldn’t insult my children with momisms-rude phrases and threats that dismiss their rights/needs/desires and minimize intelligent discussion.

Momisms are phrases like:

“Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!”  

WTFreak! I can’t express my emotions?

“If all of your friends jumped off a building would you do that too?”

 Such an irrational question just to dismiss MY wishes!

I planned to have intellectual dialogue with my progenies to spark their brains and help them draw logical conclusions. Instead of momisms, I would even encourage friendly, respectful debates so that they will learn to:

  • Negotiate
  • Clearly articulate their needs
  • Never accept “no” from anyone

But once we had more than 2 kids I became exhausted debating with illogical pre-schoolers & middle-schoolers who are governed by immediate gratification! Also 4 out of 5 of my offspring are males and they love anything dangerous, dirty and loud!

Errr…yeah…I can’t encourage that.

So I HAVE succumbed to using momisms! I have acquiesced to talking to my little dirty, brilliant, daredevils with quick, irrational, phrases and threats! It preserves my voice (there are 5 of them!) and my sanity (THERE ARE 5 OF THEM!)

Here are MY momisms. These are my top 10 momisms that are uttered most often in my household…indeed most days these phrases are the only thing I say the ENTIRE DAY:

  1. Don’t pee outside! Are you an animal?
  2. No, you can’t climb on top of the roof/the van/the basketball backboard. (The fact that my little girl has NEVER asked to climb on top of ANYTHING solidifies my theory that little boys are part monkey!)
  3. Use the manners that you were taught, you’ are NOT an animal. (I use to say, “Are you an animal?” but the reply from boys when asked that question is a little, sly smile and a whispered, “yes”…solidifying my theory.)
  4. Who broke this?! (Our household friendly ghost, NotMe, usually gets the blame.)
  5. Don’t make me: get up/stop this car/come in there.
  6. Watch your tone of voice young man or you’ll be missing those lips!
  7. If I have to say it again I know something! (Funny, this phrase has NEVER been challenged. When my mother said it to us I would think, ‘what do you know?’ I have no clue how I would answer if one of mine challenged me.)
  8. Please stop before you: break your neck/hurt your sister/put your eyeball out/start bleeding/go blind!
  9. Whoever that is please STOP: banging/beating/tapping/drumming/yelling/farting! (What is it about boys and noise?)
  10. Please put your seat-belts on before I slam on the breaks and you go flying out of your seats and through the windshield and bleed out the head! (A threat painted with lots of imagery. It usually gets their attention…except when it doesn’t. At that point I slam on the breaks and quietly laugh as all little kids lurch forward, startled and frightened. Then I sing in a high-pitched Ms. Frizzle voice, “Seat belts everyone!”)

What are the most oft-uttered momisms in your house?  ‘Fes up!

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